Dear Mom...
Dear Mom,
I'm writing you to let you know that your prayers have been answered: your little boy has returned to the flock. I am officially renouncing my apostatic and blasphemous opinions on the existence of God and JesusChristOurLordAndSavior.
You see, I had a revelation, all because of this guy, and now, all those questions I never had ever since I was a child have been answered. This guy had this book that had some hebrew name that sounded like Bubble, or Babble maybe. Anyway, this book told me everything I needed to know, especially about evolution.
I really kind of hate to give up that particular belief, because it seemed to make so much sense! Apparently though, I must have misunderstood things about it, because there's all these holes in it! Do you know what this guy says? He says that evolution says that GRANDPA WAS A MONKEY!!!! I don't remember reading that in any of my textbooks in evolutionary biology or genetics or microbiology or geology or any of my other science courses (and as long as i've been in school, you and I both know how many of THOSE i've had!) but this guy was in a NEWSPAPER so it MUST be true!
Remember that bedtime story you used to read to me about that guy with the big boat that he put all the aminals in, and I always would ask if he put ALL the aminals in, and how they all fit? Well, this guy has the answer: he used babies. I don't know why that didn't occur to my five year old little brain, but i'm sure glad he figured it out, because its been keeping me awake for years!
He even let me in on another little secret: its this silly evolution thing that's at the root of all our problems in this country--everything from racism to gay marriage (I guess i'm going to have to stop working for that one too--my gay friends will be so disappointed. :( ) I don't know exactly what the connection is, but again, NEWSPAPER GUY! It must be true!
I'm not sure exactly what he has to say about all the stuff in my biology books about evolution. Probably it's all just lies. I mean, I was in the lab the other day playing with some genes, but I couldn't SEE them, so for all I know I was really just playing with colored water. I think I'll drink it next time just to make my point. Anyway, like I was saying, I don't know what he has to say about things like conservation of genes across species, and developmental homology, and stuff like carbon dating, but he says the fossil record is all a bunch of bones laid down by water so the whole flood story HAS TO BE TRUE!!! I dunno though; there's a lot of bones in places there wasn't any water back then. Doh! There I go again--I keep getting sucked in by the "evidence" and forgetting that I WASN'T THERE and only GOD was there. And he wrote it all down in this Bubble Bobble book, so we have that to go on--its like an eyewitness account!
I can't tell you how relieved I am to be able to stop thinking for myself! That was all so much WORK all the time!
Your Dutiful and Loving Son,
Keith
I'm writing you to let you know that your prayers have been answered: your little boy has returned to the flock. I am officially renouncing my apostatic and blasphemous opinions on the existence of God and JesusChristOurLordAndSavior.
You see, I had a revelation, all because of this guy, and now, all those questions I never had ever since I was a child have been answered. This guy had this book that had some hebrew name that sounded like Bubble, or Babble maybe. Anyway, this book told me everything I needed to know, especially about evolution.
I really kind of hate to give up that particular belief, because it seemed to make so much sense! Apparently though, I must have misunderstood things about it, because there's all these holes in it! Do you know what this guy says? He says that evolution says that GRANDPA WAS A MONKEY!!!! I don't remember reading that in any of my textbooks in evolutionary biology or genetics or microbiology or geology or any of my other science courses (and as long as i've been in school, you and I both know how many of THOSE i've had!) but this guy was in a NEWSPAPER so it MUST be true!
Remember that bedtime story you used to read to me about that guy with the big boat that he put all the aminals in, and I always would ask if he put ALL the aminals in, and how they all fit? Well, this guy has the answer: he used babies. I don't know why that didn't occur to my five year old little brain, but i'm sure glad he figured it out, because its been keeping me awake for years!
He even let me in on another little secret: its this silly evolution thing that's at the root of all our problems in this country--everything from racism to gay marriage (I guess i'm going to have to stop working for that one too--my gay friends will be so disappointed. :( ) I don't know exactly what the connection is, but again, NEWSPAPER GUY! It must be true!
I'm not sure exactly what he has to say about all the stuff in my biology books about evolution. Probably it's all just lies. I mean, I was in the lab the other day playing with some genes, but I couldn't SEE them, so for all I know I was really just playing with colored water. I think I'll drink it next time just to make my point. Anyway, like I was saying, I don't know what he has to say about things like conservation of genes across species, and developmental homology, and stuff like carbon dating, but he says the fossil record is all a bunch of bones laid down by water so the whole flood story HAS TO BE TRUE!!! I dunno though; there's a lot of bones in places there wasn't any water back then. Doh! There I go again--I keep getting sucked in by the "evidence" and forgetting that I WASN'T THERE and only GOD was there. And he wrote it all down in this Bubble Bobble book, so we have that to go on--its like an eyewitness account!
I can't tell you how relieved I am to be able to stop thinking for myself! That was all so much WORK all the time!
Your Dutiful and Loving Son,
Keith
posted by karmajunkie @ 2/11/2006 04:17:00 PM
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