So I had the big interview in Madison this weekend. Well, on Friday, anyway--this weekend was pretty much a bonus, getting to hang out with my friend who lives there and works for the company I interviewed with. I'm probably not going to end up taking the job, which is kind of sad in a way because I think the company is probably great to work for, and I'd love to be working with my friend again, but I just don't think its the right direction for me right now. I don't think I'd really enjoy living in Madison all that much, and once winter hits I'd probably slip back into a major depression thanks to seasonal affective disorder. Coupled with this strong desire I have now to go into healthcare and ultimately into politics (years on down the road, and behind the scenes, not as a candidate) I think Austin is the best place for me right now. Ok, it doesn't hurt that I love living here; I've worked hard to build a life here over the last year since the Ex left, with more than a modicum of success, and I don't feel like resetting that effort.

Thought for myself if and when I start sliding again: there's a lot of sunshine left in the world. Take off the Life-tinted sunglasses and take a look sometime.

Toni and I went to see Eternal Sunlight of the Spotless Mind tonight. It took me a while to get my bearings once it was over with. Charlie Kaufman's movies are usually like that. You don't really know whether you like them or hate them until much later, but you know they affected you.

Short synopsis of this one: I'm not telling. Its really an interesting plot, one that grabs you at various times and leaves you hanging in others. The reason I know I liked it was because i found myself caring in the last ten minutes about the outcome.

Ok, I'll tell a little. Its about a couple who breaks up after a fight, and the girl goes to a doctor to have her memory of the guy erased. The guy does the same after he finds out what she did, almost as a vindictive shot at her. Anybody feeling sympathetic yet? During the course of erasure of course the guy starts feeling regret for what's being done to him, and fights like mad to stop it, but trapped within his mind he can't.

I should stop here and point out that the movie kind of starts at the end, then jumps back to the beginning (of sorts, anyway) and leads back up to the starting point and beyond.

At times I found it incredibly painful to watch. I've lost count of how many times last year I longed for a way to erase a certain someone from my life completely, to excise her from every day of my life from August 24 1996 onward. If there had been a way to do it, I probably would have jumped on it. I might have regretted it, although if the procedure had worked there wouldn't have been anything to regret. Unlike the movie though, the individual in question isn't anyone who belongs in my life. That piece of insight came to me in a bit of a flash towards the end.

Austin is a town in which you can be almost assured that if you have anything in common with someone that you will run into them sooner or later. I realized then something about the Ex: I've only run into her once in the year since we broke up. And that was because of her boyfriend (now husband), not her. Talk about an awakening--I have absolutely nothing in common with someone I spent that much time practically killing myself over.

I wish I'd realized that a long time ago. There's been a lot of lost time in the last year. Isn't that always the way though? Experience: something you gain long after you needed it.

I had a totally weird dream last night. I have these neighbors down the sidewalk (I think their names are chad and amy, but i really don't know.) Anyway, we've never talked at length, but they seem to be pretty nice kids and we always say hello or wave at each other when we're both outside smoking. Anyway, in my dream Amy (except her name wasn't amy in the dream) invites me up for a drink for some reason, while chad isn't home.... you see where this is going, don't you? so we're just hanging out having a drink, and somehow hanging out involves being in their bedroom in my boxers. So then chad comes home and I start frantically looking for my pants, which have naturally disappeared, but he comes back to the bedroom before i can find them. I'm trying to think really hard of a legitimate reason why i would possibly be back in their bedroom, in my boxers, with his wife (or girlfriend, i've never ascertained the extent of their relationship but they just had a kid together so one might assume they're fairly committed. in real life that is, the baby was nowhere to be found in this dream.) but as it happens, it doesn't matter, as chad doesn't find anything unusual about the fact that I'm back there, alone, with his wife, in my underwear.

I could expect to have a dream like that about somebody i'm seeing, or even just want to see, but i don't know that i've ever had one like that about a perfect stranger. well, semi-perfect stranger, anyway.... i didn't get much past chad not kicking my ass--i woke up right around that point. I think maybe it might have something to do with a conversation i had earlier that night with a friend who has committment issues.

Last year aside, I've never been the kind of person for whom anger was something that kept me going. Its an emotion I feel from time to time, certainly, but never one I tried to hold onto. I had a bit of an epiphany today though--sometimes its just what you need. And on reflection there are plenty of times it was exactly that--something that gets me going, tells me something about the world is not right. Just the way pain is your body's way of telling you something is wrong, anger ought to be a way of discerning an imbalance in the world around you, and more importantly a clue that you ought to do something about it. Once when I was living in Birmingham I was driving home from work for lunch and passed by a Kenny Roger's Roasters on Hwy 31 where they had a couple of guys standing out in the median passing out coupon flyers to the motorists stopped at the intersection of 31 and IH 65. I remember thinking, "God they must hate their job... its like 105 degrees outside and they're standing in the sun in the median of one of the worst intersections in the area doing the shit work... wonder who they pissed off?" When I got up close I saw that they both had some form of mental retardation--one of them clearly had Down's Syndrome, and the other had some other kind of non-specific disability. I was just flabbergasted. I wasn't sure exactly what to do right that second, I was so floored by the audacity of whoever stuck them on that detail. By the time I got home though I was so mad about it I called DHS right then and reported them, just before I drove back to it, asked to speak to the manager on duty (some greasy haired 20-something who weaseled his way up to shift leader--apparently the store manager was at a different store or a meeting that day or something) and crawled his ass in the middle of the restaurant. I'm sure getting chewed out by a 19 year old kid was probably one of the more emasculating experiences during his illustrious tenure, but it was also one of the last. The manager called me at work the next day to tell me the guy had been fired. And offer me a bunch of coupons for free food. Give me a break.

so anyway, now i'm just angry enough about the state of affairs in my life that I'm tired of making the "smart" choices--which more often than not are not smart nor do they bring me any sense of fulfillment to my life. I've had it with chasing jobs that pay good money for a miserable self-serving career--time to start doing something worthwhile. So... anybody know of a good non-profit that's hiring?

I'm not going to go into the whole story behind this entry. There's really no point; I'm the only one who reads this blog and I already know it. But suffice it to remind myself in days long hence, that when something seems too good to be true, it almost certainly is. And fortune cookies almost never mean what you first take them to mean.

Jiminy christmas. i haven't slept in about 30 hours and while i'm tired there's no way i could sleep right now. I'm actually so far gone as to resurrect this blog, long since aborted. I'm going to give another shot at regular blogging, something i haven't done in a few years--you tend to get skittish when your ex busts you on it.

so yeah, if it wasn't obvious from that last entry before this attempt died, last year sucked ass. (that entry was before it even got to the REALLY crappy parts.) I'm bound and determined that this year isn't going to go down the same road. Its been a rocky start so far but I think I'm getting the hang of it. Part of that is going to be writing a lot more--i always had a clearer head when i blogged before. you know the drill, self-analysis and what-not. chicks dig a guy who's literate too. that doesn't hurt.

so now i'm waiting on a doctor to call me back and tell me whether to come in or go to the ER... I had surgery last week and it looks like the stitches are coming out prematurely, and the incision reopening. It would be nice if he would hurry up and call--i'd like to know whether I can lay down and try to slow the brain down long enough to sleep a few hours. doubtful, but worth a shot all the same. someone more motivated would be writing one of the dozen or so functions I need to write for my CMS today, but i'm an invalid this week--i'm entitled. that's what i keep telling myself, anyway. I gotta get sleep sometime today--I'm hopefully meeting up tonight with my friend Tonyia who i haven't seen in several months. She joined my friendster group earlier today, which was way cool because I didn't know if she was even still in Austin. i knew joining friendster would pay off one day. So far i've logged on all of three times; today (last night?) I invited a bunch of people, a couple of whom joined up. then i started the oh-so-addictive surfing of the profiles--found a couple of geniunely cool looking folks, though like most of those sites it tends to be testosterone-heavy. maybe if i stay in austin i'll be a friendster nut. or maybe i will anyway, if i go to madison.

great. now of course when i really need to be functional i get tired. what the hell. you only live once. good morning and good night.